Turning Pain Into Purpose: Terrance Clemens and the Power of Mental Toughness

I was the normal, reckless derelict, an unsupervised kid who kind of had to figure things out by myself. I would get in trouble all the time, but it was just little stuff until it wasn't. I never thought for a million years I'd ever see prison.

I come from a family of alcoholics. We used to sneak drinks as kids. I was a good kid - I got straight A's. But then my dad passed away when I was 14, that's when things started to change. I started drinking and smoking weed. I stopped going to school. I had to drop out and get a job to take care of my mom and my little brother.

And then one day the state took my little brother. It was all so hard on my mom. She had been with my dad forever and then lost my brother. That's all she knew. It was tough on everybody. 

Looking back he was a great dad. He cared a lot, but he was aggressive. His methods probably wouldn't be accepted these days. I mean, we got our ass whooped, but we always earned it. We were knucklehead kids, always doing something. He was tough. He played professional football for a few years. He was a nose tackle for the Cincinnati Bengals. He retired by the time my brother was born. 

My grandpa had a construction business that my dad pretty much ran for him until he passed away. That was his life. When my dad got hurt on the job, it put him out for two years, which really killed him. He was drinking more because he wasn't working. He ended up dying of a major heart attack. That was tough. I remember right before it happened. He called me in the room and told me “Just remember I love you. Remember to take care of your brothers.” I just thought it was weird. A few minutes later I heard a noise in his room. I could tell something was very wrong. I started to give him CPR, but it didn't work. I think the toughest part of that was that my mom and my little brother were there to see that. 

My dad made me strong. Even though he wasn't there as long as I wish he would have been, he definitely built the blueprint for me. I have a lot of him in me. I got his work ethic, his persistence, his dedication and his willingness to help anybody. When he drank, he was a completely different person. He was an angry drunk. But when he wasn't drunk, he was amazing. He was Scorpio, but you would have thought he was a Gemini by the way he switched personalities.

I remember when we had his service in the community building where we grew up in Dunsmuir. The place was full. Around 500 people came out, which was about a quarter of our city. After I spoke, I walked out to the high school football field with all of my cousins and both of my brothers. We went to the 50 yard line and had a bottle of 151. I was 14. I remember that it was a horrible thing. It burnt my lips. I didn't like it. I thought ”Oh, man, this is where I'm going.” That day definitely opened the flood gates and I drank for another 10 years. I was a really bad drinker. I remember going to the doctor and he said “if you keep drinking the way that you do you're not going to make it to 35.” I was like damn, I guess I have to quit drinking.

Fast forward to age 25. I stopped drinking, but took up another vice…heroin. I replaced one thing for another and continued for seven years. I got myself in a lot of trouble. When I was ready to quit, I went to a recovery center to try in-patient. They told me "we don’t have any space for you so you're gonna have to come back in three months". I was homeless at the time and I knew that was not going to work. I needed a place to go. I needed to get clean and they couldn't help me. 

As I walked away, I thought the only way I know how to get sober is to go to jail. This always worked before. I would go to jail and get clean. Before then, I didn't want to get clean, but this time I did. So, I walked into a store near the jail and grabbed a couple of beers. Keep in mind, I hadn't drank in like 10 years. I figured if I'm going to jail, I might as well go buzzed. I walked up to the cashier with my two beers and I said, “I apologize to put you in this position, but I'm stealing these beers. Will you call the police? I'll be at the park.” She went to stop me, and put her hand on my shoulder - a small act which turned a petty theft into robbery - and that is what sent me to prison. The DA wanted to give me 5 years.  I told them the whole story and they were like “Yeah, right. We hear this all the time.” They didn’t believe my testimony. Luckily, I was blessed because once they saw the video footage from the store and the body cam footage, they believed me. The DA called it a "citizen's outcry," which is when a person cannot find help and it’s a last resort thing and my sentence turned from five years to two years. I took the two years.

I was a problem inmate. I couldn't be with the general population. So, they put me in solitary confinement, aka “the hole.” for 3 months. It's a 23 and a half hour lockdown. You get to come out for a half an hour to take a shower and watch TV. I was moving from hole to hole because they were painting cells at that time.

By the grace of God, when I walked into one of my new cells, the Mental Toughness Handbook was on the bunk. I remember this bright yellow book with black lettering. Someone had left it. At the time, things were different. I really wanted to get clean. I knew it was now or never, so I read it. I did the exercises and I practiced it with other inmates, with the COs and read it again and again.  

I've suffered a lot and most of it was self-inflicted. Being an addict is just a monotonous circle of use. At the time you think it’s an escape, but this book helped me realize that you're just masking it. You're not dealing with anything. This book taught me to deal with it the right way and permanently. I realized I didn't need drugs to deal with things like I thought I did.

Before I got locked up, I was contemplating suicide. I didn't tell anybody that for the longest time. I was to the point I was like “Damn, this is my life. This is all it's gonna be.” I was super disappointed in myself  that I let it get to that point. But like I said, that's another thing that has got me to where I am today. I'll never forget where I came from, where I've been and what I've been through. That's what made me who I am today, the character I am.

I've experienced a lot of death, but it's natural. I just got familiar with it. There was a lot of drugs. I've dealt with death in an intoxicated way and in a sober way and I think dealing with it in a sober way is a lot healthier. It all goes back to that book, learning how to deal with things and how to regulate your emotions. Emotional intelligence is a big one. When you can figure that out, you can really get yourself on track to where you wanna be and what you wanna do. 

I got out of prison about five months ago. They had sent me to the work center. My roommate was Robert. I met him through a guy I had met at the work center 15 years ago. That day, we were walking back from the probation office, and they were stopping at Golden Rule ReEntry. I was just gonna do my thing and they're like “Well, come in and just check it out.” It was the smartest move I ever could have made, besides reading the Mental Toughness book. Immediately, Vera got on it. She said “We're gonna get you in as soon as we can.” They had me in within like 2 weeks. 

I knew nothing about Golden Rule ReEntry. Every step of the way, anything I needed, they provided me from financial support to mental health to learning support. There's nothing that they wouldn't do for me or someone like me. Like I like to say, they're doing God's work. Everybody here are like my angels. I like to come in, even if I don't have a reason to and just to talk to them, you know, and I say “I gotta come see my people.” They're my people now. 

I remember being in the box, about a year and a half ago saying to myself, I'd love to teach people about mental toughness. I'd love to be able to let people know how important this book is and how much it can help them. I was actually barbecuing up at the house one Saturday night. Abby (GRR’s Founder and Executive Director) came over and I'm talking to her. She said “Wow, that's an amazing story! Well, let's start a class.” And I'm like, “Nah, you're joking.” She said “No, we can really start a class and you can teach it.” I was speechless. Thinking back on it, it was just a thought when I was in prison. There was no way I could imagine within 5 months I would have been where I am, teaching people about mental toughness.

I love the fact that people are giving me feedback and saying that they use the tools that I'm teaching them in situations that are coming up. That not only makes me so proud of myself but it makes me so proud of the people. The class is for the people and to realize that we all have the ability to do whatever we want. Like my grandfather used to tell me, “You know what the nice thing is about hitting the bottom? There's nowhere to go but up.” As bad as we think life is, it's really not that bad. You can make it what you want. That's the greatest thing about this country, is you get the chance and choice to do whatever you want. And the blessing of God giving us free will. We have all the tools to do it. We just have to strap on this tool belt and start using them and figure out which ones work and with what. Don't give up. Ninety-five percent of life is effort. All you gotta do is put in the effort, and you'll get results. All you have to do is try. Even if you're not confident or you don't think you're gonna succeed, don't let that stop you from trying. Because you're never gonna know unless you try. That can be your opportunity, your stepping stone to something else. 

I walked into Golden Rule ReEntry because someone else said “Hey, just give it a try.” Now I'm living my dream. I'm in the midst of it, helping people, teaching people, getting a promotion at work where I'm going to be essentially my own boss, have my own crew and with my own truck. I'm doing everything that I would have never thought was possible. Most of the credit goes to the Mental Toughness Handbook, but a lot of credit goes to Golden Rule. For showing me not only support, but for really caring. They want to see you succeed. When you have people, especially people that have been through the situations you've been through, it resonates a lot more. This place is a blessing. I tell Brandi, Abby and Vera, this place is not just an opportunity, but a privilege to be here. When I first got here, I used to say baby steps. And now with the help of Golden Rule, I'm leaping. I have been sober now for 619 days. That’s the longest I've been sober since I was 12. I feel unstoppable. I'm blessed to be here and to be surrounded by such good people. 

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Story by Terrance Clemens

Photography by Daisy Varley